I like this story…

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth  so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.

I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.

The odor wasn’t improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. 

I like monkeys.

– Anonymous (not by me)

Feature-laden…

Man, the problem with being a games journalist is that sometimes there’s just not much stuff coming out. Right now, it seems to be nothing but Wii games, none of which are very good. As such, I’m doing a lot of gaming features and case reviews. Cases are something I can do just fine, but it isn’t something I particularly enjoy if I’m honest – mainly because it’s the same routine each and everytime. There’s only so many ways you can disguise a tin box.

Features on the other hand are great to write and I have pretty free rein, but I’ve done a lot of them of late and I feel like I need a bit of a break. Ah well, I still love my job and this is naught but a momentary lull anyway. Doing more hardware etc. is at least helping me broaden my horizons.

I’ve been reading a lot of comics lately, catching up on some of the decent X-Men stuff. I especially recommend the Civil War, House of M and Decimation storylines. Son of M especially is really good, though I didn’t especially like the art style. Civil War and House of M are more my kind of speed. I think I’m going to read some more World War Hulk after this, as well as X-Men: The Day After if I can get hold of it. Superman: Red Son looks good too, asking “What if Superman was born in the Soviet Union?”. Messiah Complex also looks pretty interesting, but I prefer to pick up the stories all in one instead of following them for ages.

Garry’s Mod 10 had an update recently, adding in the new Orange Box engine. I’m having a lot of fun with dynamic lights and shadows. Here are some screenshots – click for big and leave some comments if you can be arsed.

Out, Joe